There is no doubt we are living in unique, challenging and amazing times. For me, the holiday season was very different. As was true for most, I didn’t get together with my family in a big group and that was definitely a first for wonderfully, crazy family. However, that wasn’t really what made it different for me personally. I found myself struggling to find the “Christmas spirit” – something I usually dive into. I love decorating and enjoying all the Christmas traditions like singing Christmas carols and baking lots of goodies.
But not this year. I didn’t put up a Christmas tree. I didn’t decorate my deck. I didn’t buy a bunch of poinsettias and put them around the house. I didn’t get that warm glow from seeing other people’s holiday decorations. I didn’t send one Christmas card. We didn’t have our annual ugly sweater party. I even announced to everyone that I was not “doing Christmas” this year. And then, the week before Christmas, I went to the Dollar Store for some supplies and walked down the Christmas isle and for just a little while, I caught the Christmas spirit. I impulsively bought a bunch of miniature ornaments and some ribbon, went home, and decorated a little decorative primitive tree that stays in my house all year long. I even put a little star on top. I turned the lights on and left them on through Christmas.
That served as our complete decorations and Christmas tree. I spent a lot of evenings just looking at that tree….watching the little lights sparkle in the dark and project a small, but lovely glow around the living room. In those moments, I found some peace. I also found some clarity. I know what happened to my Christmas spirit.
In those moments, I found some peace. I also found some clarity.
For the first time in this global pandemic experience, I felt trapped. I felt little hope that things would ever be different. I felt sad and tired, exhausted, even. As I gained this clarity over a period of days, I realized I felt like a horse who’s spirit has been broken; the one who hides his personality because it is not well received by the owner. The horse that does as he is told and doesn’t try to go on his own intuition or confidence….he just follows the directions given.
That has never been me at any time in my life.
I have always been the spirited horse – the one that chooses her own path and only takes the directions as suggestions, preferring to find her own way and methods. This realization made me even sadder for a couple of days. It felt like I had lost me…my essential, my “mo-jo” as Austin Powers would say.
I went about my daily life as though everything was fine – went to work, took care of my responsibilities, managed my various family members, and even hosted a small group at my house on Christmas morning. I spent Christmas afternoon with my daughter and her family, enjoying every second of watching my grandson dive into his second Christmas on this earth. I felt at peace in those moments, but they just didn’t last. I didn’t know how to change this horrible feeling. After Christmas, I drove to New Orleans to see my son. I spent several days with him, which was good for his soul and mine. We hadn’t seen each other since the first of June last year, so the time together was truly precious. The sun was shining on us, with temperatures in the mid-70s. We walked in nature by Lake Pontchartrain and through the beautiful neighborhoods of the Garden District. I noticed that my mo-jo began to return – little by little. I began to feel creative again and to have deep belly laughs. We painted walls in his new house while I was there, and he chose rich, vibrant colors – while I was suggesting various shades of beige. I was being sensible and thinking of re-sell value. He was being a 27 year old who has purchased his first home and wants to surround himself with life and love. As I was painting a beautiful turquoise in the guest bathroom, I felt the joy in the pit of my stomach. It hadn’t been there for a long time. But there it was, gently tickling my senses and reminding me I am alive.
Driving to and from New Orleans is a long trip. I chose a route through Atlanta, GA, and stayed with a dear friend on my way there and my way back. I’m long past the ability to drive for 14 straight hours, rushing to get to my destination. I now require – and prefer – a break in these long road trips.
On my way to New Orleans, I found that I was struggling to enjoy the drive. I am a big fan of road trips, usually. Pre-Covid, I spent several weeks a year traveling for work and/or fun, always choosing to drive if it was at all feasible. I drove through some of my favorite places, like I-26 in TN and NC, but I didn’t notice the beauty of the mountains, something that usually captures my attention and allows me to become fully present. I drove through North GA, where the mountains are grand and the small towns incredibly charming, but it felt like I went through with my eyes closed. I honestly don’t remember much of my trip to New Orleans.
For my whole life, I have experienced something I call “that feeling” at least once a day. “That feeling” is a sensation that comes over my whole body, I get filled with gratitude for being alive; it always makes me smile, the corners of my mouth turning upward on their own, like I don’t own them any more. It is a feeling of being completely present in my body, my life, my environment, and that moment. To be honest, I hadn’t felt that since the first of October when the leaves in Canaan Valley were just past peak and the sun was hot on my face as I was riding my horse on our farm in the late afternoon. I remember thinking – “there it is – that feeling!” But since that day, I have not felt it. Not even at Christmas, when it is usually the feeling that carries me on a cloud of joy through the holiday weeks. It felt like it was just gone. As I was painting in the bathroom that day, it came back. There it was – “that feeling.” Not only did I smile, but I also cried just a bit. I was so grateful to feel alive again – to feel hope and gratitude and CHOICE. Yes, I have choice. We all do.
As I embarked on my journey home, having the gut-wrenching “see ya later” with my son, I knew I was going to enjoy the road trip. I saw so many beautiful sights as I drove through Mississippi and Alabama – the exact same road I traveled getting to New Orleans, but now it looked different. It was bright – the sky a bright blue, the grays and browns of winter felt warm and rich instead of stark and cold. I arrived at my friend’s house in the late afternoon, having phoned ahead to say I wanted to take her out for dinner. We hugged and I felt such gratitude for her and her beautiful home.
As we drove to dinner, I relished all the Christmas lights and decorations that remained in her neighborhood in Alpharetta. There were some houses that rivaled Clark on Christmas Vacation and some that looked as though professionals had done the job – and they probably had. For a minute, I thought how wonderful it would be to have the job of making other people’s houses festive and beautiful for the holidays. What a gift! We had a lovely dinner and even lovelier conversation. I slept deeply that night, waking rested and prepared for the second day of my journey – the longest part of the drive at nearly nine hours. I took off, choosing to drive some back roads through North GA, where I enjoyed the views and the charming little towns and villages. I went through Asheville, NC, and hit I-26 back across the mountains of NC and TN. I even stopped along the way to enjoy the view and “that feeling.” I had some rich and wonderful conversations with friends as I was driving. I didn’t rush, but the nine hours seemed to fly by. As I was driving, I realized my creativity was flowing – I had so many ideas bouncing around my head. It was wonderful! I couldn’t write all of them down, so some have hidden in the corners of my mind, but they will come back when it’s time.
I remembered that experiencing life in all it’s raw beauty is what keeps me – and all of us – alive. We are not observers. We are not victims. Life is not happening TO us. We are LIVING our lives. I am alive in every sense of the word. My environment may be different, and I may not get to see all the beautiful smiles of my friends when we pass in the grocery store isles because we are wearing masks, but they are still my friends. They are still at the grocery store.
We are all LIVING.
As I have felt the New Year swallow us, I have been reflecting on my holiday weeks and all that I experienced and learned. I lost two friends over those weeks, which was really sad for me and so many others. It has also been hard to accept at times – both losses were so sudden and unexpected. I know that those losses impacted me a bit more than I was acknowledging in the moment. I went into caretaker mode and didn’t give myself time to feel the loss or the other emotions that get Velcro’d to grief. So, now I explore those emotions and give myself permission to feel them – whatever they are – without judgement. The same is true for the political climate in which we are living. I do not enjoy getting into conversations about politics or who is right and who is wrong. I feel much more useful and peaceful holding space for our country and the world, envisioning a world of peace and cooperation that is not filled with hate and fear. That is where I spend my time and energy. That is what I wish for each of you – a world of peace and cooperation on every level. May we all experience each moment of life. May we all find “that feeling” at least once a day. May we all find gratitude for the ones we love even when they are difficult. May we all live each moment to its fullest potential. And may we all live in love.
I am a business owner, author, speaker, teacher, life & corporate coach, and Certified Shamanic Practitioner.
Angie Shockley, MA, has spent 25 years working with adolescents, teens, young adults, parents, and families helping them navigate the challenges of daily life. Using her years of experience and training, Angie provides coaching, education, consulting, and alternative healing services for individuals and groups. She has studied Shamanic and Energetic Healing modalities under Berta Khunel of Balanced Horizons and is a Certified Shamanic Practitioner. Angie also utilizes the healing benefits of Reiki in her work. She is available for face to face sessions as well as distance work via phone.