I’ve been letting go of my need to control for what feels like my entire life….54 years. My parents laugh as they recount the stories from my childhood where I had to be the boss…had to be in charge of everything. I am aware that feeling like we are in control is just a veil above feeling safe, and safety has always been important to me. Well, most of the time. There have been times in my life when I have thrown caution to the wind and made some really stupid decisions. There have also been times when I knew….KNEW with everything in me that I was about to screw up….but I did it anyway. There was no caution in the wind; there was just a hole where caution was shoved. That’s choice, but we can visit about that another day.
I have been on a journey of self-discovery since 2003. It is a fact that my journey began many, many years and/or lifetimes ago, but the journey I consciously stepped into began in 2003. At that time, I didn’t know it was a journey to learn the concept of surrender, but that’s what it is. At that time, I was coming out of a difficult relationship that culminated in a some embarrassing moments that were 100% based on my need to control and a lost pregnancy, which was the pivotal moment for me.
It was the moment that I made a different choice….I chose to take responsibility for my own life, my own emotions, my own happiness. To that point in my life, I had relied upon others to make me happy, while always finding ways to stay in control so I felt safe. While I needed to have someone in my life ALL THE TIME, I was not open to hearing what others wanted or needed; I just wanted to make sure everyone was happy, but that we were doing things my way. Now, it is important to know that I spent a great deal of energy keeping other people happy. I know, it sounds like there’s no way I could be that concerned about other people and also be an absolute control freak.
But, it is entirely possible and exactly what I was doing. I have always hated conflict, so I would do whatever the other people in my life wanted me to…..until it became too much for my psyche and then I would blow up whatever relationship I was in – friendships, marriages, family relationships. I guess I had a deep need to be exactly what the other person wanted me to be, always joining in their activities and hobbies, even if I didn’t really enjoy it, because that is what kept people in my life. So, then, how could I have possibly been in control? It’s a bit of a puzzle.
Control is an interesting concept. We can lie to ourselves on many levels, and it allows us to feel totally in control because we are doing things that our intuition tells us are not good for us, but we do it anyway, justifying the choices in all sorts of rational and irrational ways. “It’s okay for me to run up big debt on my credit card because the rest of the family is buying these things; I need them, too.” When you know, KNOW without a doubt, that your significant other is cheating and lying, but you choose to ignore those feelings and live with your head in the sand, focusing only on the good moments and justifying the nights alone and the obvious lies. It feels like you are in control of the relationship, in control of your emotions, in control of your significant other, until that day when your psyche can’t take it any longer and the truth hits you in the face. Those moments are messy and ugly and painful, but because of that need to control, I had to have these very hard moments to wake up. Today is my 54th birthday. 54….I remember when that number sounded ancient. Today, it feels like a new beginning in so many ways. I am participating in a Medicine Wheel class on my birthday, spending my time with other, like-minded people on a journey of self-discovery and growth. This is the third time I have celebrated my birthday while participating in this class, having spent lovely time with incredible souls. Today is no different. I started this blog several days ago, which is my usual process. A thought or idea comes to me, and I feel called to write about it. I let it take shape as I write. It often feels as though the blog writes itself. I intuitively know when it’s time to let it rest and when it’s time to be the conduit for the words. Today, as part of my class, I am letting go of the word control and all the ways that it limits me and impedes my journey. When I started this blog, I knew I had begun to transform the concept of control to the concept of surrender. However, when I started the class two days ago, I didn’t know that I would be ready to release and transform this word that has haunted me my entire life. But, here I am…completely ready, even excited to transform this on the level of my soul’s journey.
How did I get here? I surrendered.
I surrendered to Spirit, to the fact that my journey is perfect and the universe has my back. I didn’t give up; I woke up. I know that surrender is not giving up. Surrender is waking up. It is allowing and finding the beauty and gratitude in each aspect of my journey. The journey that brought me to 54 and the journey that continues. Today, I step into my new life with gratitude for all that I have learned and for each teacher I have experienced along the way. My birthday wish is that I have been and will continue to be a teacher for others so that they may also experience this great surrender, this great feeling of Ayni. Munay
I am a business owner, author, speaker, teacher, life & corporate coach, and Certified Shamanic Practitioner.
Angie Shockley, MA, has spent 25 years working with adolescents, teens, young adults, parents, and families helping them navigate the challenges of daily life. Using her years of experience and training, Angie provides coaching, education, consulting, and alternative healing services for individuals and groups. She has studied Shamanic and Energetic Healing modalities under Berta Khunel of Balanced Horizons and is a Certified Shamanic Practitioner. Angie also utilizes the healing benefits of Reiki in her work. She is available for face to face sessions as well as distance work via phone.
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